The Picture

I awoke this morning in my typical manner, happy, laughing, glad to be alive and ready to face the world.

I recently decided to follow many new people on twitter so much so that the twitter feeds that arrive hourly is extensive. As I was making my way through the tweets I came upon a tweet from one of my new favorite followers, Christin, who shares amazing Burn Notice pictures from past episodes.

The first one I opened touched my heart in such a way that it brought tears to my eyes which I didn’t understand. It shows Michael and Fiona enjoying a wonderful breakfast together in Fi’s apartment.

I continued through each tweet enjoying each image from Christin and all of the other wonderful messages from the people I’m following, but tears kept rolling down my cheeks.

I eventually made a remark on twitter about how one moment you can be happy then you see a picture and become sad and you don’t even know why. That’s what being a woman is like. You just start crying and at the time you have absolutely no idea why. Sometimes you feel sad, other times happy and sometimes both. That’s what happened to me this morning; I was happy and sad at the same time and I couldn’t understand why I was sad.

I continued my morning routine and couldn’t get that picture out of my mind. I would stop crying only to begin again. I tried to read my Bible but couldn’t because of the tears that filled my eyes. Even as I sit here writing this my eyes just filled with tears.

I haven’t been sleeping well so I am very tired, which generally contributes to these reactions.

I had a similar event happen to me last season when I was rewatching a Burn Notice episode that aired the night before. Anson had just made an appearance in Michael's loft the previous night and now Fi and Michael were standing on a beach after Anson had left. They were holding hands and looking at each other. I cried for an entire day over that picture in my mind. This one scene and image generated so many emotions and like today I had a hard time explaining why it made me cry.

My BH (better half or second husband) woke up in a wonderful happy mood. This isn’t unusual except that yesterday he was extremely grumpy which also isn’t unusual. I never know what to expect from him in the morning, but if I had to take a poll, I imagine it is more likely he will be grumpy. I have made it my goal in life to make sure he is happy and in a good mood when he leaves so that the people he works with aren’t affect when he makes his appearance.

Currently my first BH, I call him 'first husband', is staying with us for a few days. I will not go into any more details because that is a promise I made to both BH’s that I would leave most of our private lives between us. I have broken that promise many times by sharing personal information in tweets, but want to try as hard as I can to honor both of these men’s wishes.

Many people who go through a divorce are so brokenhearted and hurt that they hold resentment and hard feelings towards one another, which I could have done as well, but choose to stay in contact with first husband because of my love for him. Thankful both husbands get along very well and have become very close friends.

It is still very painful when we are together remembering all of the good times we had together. Like in my current marriage we didn’t fight either. We got along very well together and the divorce wasn’t because of a hate or dislike, or love lost between us and neither of us were unfaithful to each other.

I hear so often that it takes two for a divorce. This statement is so wrong. It only takes one to make a decision to leave. Happiness is a decision we make every day as well as contentment. Even Paul said In Philippians 4:11 “I have learned to be content with whatever the circumstance.“ Once you deviate from what you love and start dwelling on something else you can allow yourself to become unhappy. That’s what first husband did. He wasn’t unhappy with me he decided he was unhappy with his new career. He wanted his old one back that I couldn’t be part of. We tried making it work for two years being separated for six months at a time and it was hard on both of us. I can’t disclose any more than that without revealing events and personal information that I swore would remain confident. Just know that first husband is a remarkable man and I’m not some evil woman who was thinking only of myself and not wanting to join him. He made the decision to leave without consulting me because he wanted me to move on and be happy. He didn't want me to be alone.

Even though that decision hurt, I chose to keep him in my life and now have to bare the pain it brings every time we are together. I love my new husband so much. I never thought I could love anyone else, but have. It’s like when you have children; you never think you could add another child into your life without jeopardizing the love of your first child. It is amazing how big your heart is. It grows with each person you choose to add into your life. God is amazing.

The decision to keep first husband in our lives was hard because of the hurt but so rewarding. We are, like so many others today, and extended family. We all get along tremendously and have fun reminiscing about the past and filling in each other about our lives since the last time we saw each other. Second husband has been able to find out so much more about me through the eyes of someone else than I could have ever told him myself. It is now like we experienced those times together making the time we’ve been together longer. We can all be open with each other, not afraid of bringing up past events and making it uncomfortable to be together. Of course, this didn’t happen right away and we are still working through it, but it isn’t the nightmare I thought it would be.

As I continued to think about this picture it dawned on me why I was so sad. It reminded me of first husband and me together so long ago in our first apartment after we were married. Of course the apartment wasn’t as luxurious as the one in the picture, but the scene is similar to one I hold dear to my heart, just like the beach scene in that other episode. And of course, there is so much more than just having breakfast, or holding hands in my memory. It makes me think of a much deeper meaning to those scenes. Fi and Michael realize how much they need each other on that empty beach. The look at each other shows how vulnerable they are at that time, and lost as to what to do with their situation, but they have each other and somehow they will get through it. The picture of the two of them eating breakfast reminds me how quickly our lives change and how we don’t even realize it at the time.

The special quiet, peaceful times we share together should be cherished always because they may never happen again. This applies to everything that comes into our lives. It is there for a reason and so often we don’t even realized until years later sometimes with regret. So dear friends, try to enjoy today with whatever it brings so that tomorrow you too, won’t have regrets.