I kept thinking about her as I got ready for the day when all of a sudden tears started rolling down my cheeks. I wasn't bawling. My eyes had just filled with enough tears to come streaming down, which is normally the case. This often happens when I haven’t had enough sleep and I have to admit I was still tired after a week of not getting very much sleep and the demands of life.
My mother was a woman of wisdom and I sure could use some of her wisdom now, but she is no longer here to ask.
Someone on twitter said that maybe I needed to see a counselor about my crying but I don’t want to go to one. Mama would have the answer. So I reverted back to the ways I have always dealt with problems by seeking the wisdom my mother shared with us growing up.
I have two moods, either I’m happy or I’m sad. That’s pretty much it. I no longer get angry, sometimes a little disappointed, but never angry and the disappointment lasts only a short while. When you get rid of anger it’s surprising how many of your moods go away. I have forgiven everyone for anything that has happened, so I have no resentment, revenge, or hard feelings towards anyone.
I started thinking about Mama, who was never sad. She had so many reasons to be sad. She lost her mother and father when she was young. She lost her first born child when he was three months old and she lost her baby, my sister, when she was just a teenager. She moved away from her homeland, only to return once but as I understand it was more like a duty than a desire; I believe she had a horrible childhood. And she lost the love of her life, my father, who passed before she did. I’m sure she had great disappointments, including me, but she never showed it. Why, I asked myself?
She was a great woman of faith. There has to be an answer in the Bible. Then a passage came to mind. Philippians 4:11-12, St. Paul writes: "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
I am content so that can’t be the answer, but there has to be something there that I’m missing. Can contentment bring tears? Maybe I need to be more contented? So I further examined when I get sad. It’s when I think about the past, like this morning I was thinking about my mom. I miss her so much, but she is in the past, but missing her is in the present. Besides I don't always cry when I miss her, I just miss her.
I also cry when others are hurting, or if they are crying I can cry right along with them. When they receive bad news, I sometimes start crying because they received it and I wish they hadn't. If I see a man cry, I cry because I know how much they must be hurting because men seldom cry. They know how to keep their emotions in check, or at least society expects them to. Then there's the opposite. If someone receives very good news sometimes tears will form because I'm so happy for them.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? I don’t think so. Mama was very old when she died and I am grateful that she lived as long as she did. She gave birth to me way beyond when most women stop having children. In fact, she already had two grandchildren when I was born.
I looked at that ‘feeling sorry for myself’ angle again. Is that where sadness comes from? I imagine there might be an element of that in all sadness, but I wasn’t thinking, “poor me I don’t have a mom any longer.” Now I was getting too philosophical. I needed to back up since there had to be another way of dealing with it, so back to thinking about Mama wondering how she handled it.
Mama wasn't a cold-hearted person at all. She was the most thoughtful, compassionate person I have ever known. But why no sadness or tears? It’s not that I never saw her sad. She sure was sad when my sister died, but it didn’t last long and she was right back to her normal self.
All of a sudden it hit me. She had no past. That was her answer. She had no past.
She never talked about the past; ever. No reminiscing about childhood memories and even us kids. She had no past to reflect on to bring sadness. I never heard her say ‘remember when’, or ‘I recall the time’. She had no past. She just lived in the moment. Once the moment past she played with it for a while, then buried it. That must be the answer.
Mama taught us her wisdom like Jesus talked in parables, she always had a story. “Let me tell you about…”, she would start off, then she would share some life lesson with us. Her stories were never about her or one of my siblings and how they handled situations instead, they were stories about other people, or characters in the Bible.
I was thinking that would solve the sadness issue, at least most of it, which would leave only the sadness of things that happen in normal every day life. But how do you stop thinking about the past? And do I really want to do that? I love thinking about the past and remembering both good and bad times. Often I learn a lesson from those thoughts.
I could forget the bad things in the past, but that wouldn’t solve this crying issue. Because when I think about the really wonderful things in the past I sometimes cry. Maybe I miss those times like I miss Mama? But I love today just as much, maybe more so.
So how can I think about the past and not cry? How do other people do it?
I am a very sentimental person apparently with a lot of melancholy in me. Okay, I have to look up the word ‘melancholy’: Sad, gloomy, or depressed. Am I gloomy? Am I depressed? I don’t think so. Am I really sad? Sometimes, but it doesn't last long. One second I have tears, and few seconds later I'm laughing, all within a matter of minutes, sometimes just moments.
About this time BH had gotten up so I asked him if he thought I was gloomy or depressed and his answer was ‘Hell no. You are anything but that.’ Okay, now where do I go? So then I asked him, “Why do you think I cry so much?” His answer was simple, “You just enjoy and feel life more than others.”
“Do you think I should see a counselor about my crying?”
“Honey," he said as he put both of this hand by my shoulders, "that’s what I love about you. You appreciate life. You are so grateful about everything. I envy you. So often I wish I could see life the way you do.”
Wow. That might be most of the answer. I am grateful. I hadn't thought about that. Every time I think about how grateful I am to have God and Jesus in my life it brings tears to my eyes. Or how grateful I am to have BH in my life, to have my family, to have had my mother and father, to have my friends, to have my siblings, to have a wonderful home, to have a wonderful day, to have the love from BH, to be loved, and the list goes on. This morning I had been thinking about how grateful I was to have had Mama in my life.
The sense of gratefulness brings tears, at least it does for me, but not every time. Gratefulness brings contentment, a peace, a fulfillment of sorts.
Why do so many people cry when they fully understand the love that God has for us and when we realize how grateful we are that He is in our lives? He made us this way.
Maybe that was the answer? He made me the way I am to fulfill His purpose for me while I’m here on earth. Maybe without these deep feelings I have for other people and the events I have experienced I couldn’t pass on a blessing to others from Him.
So for now I will accept that as the answer to my tears, after all God made tears too for a reason, and brief sadness that never lasts very long. As long as I don’t walk around gloomy or depressed I guess I’m just a little more sensitive and feeling than others. Or maybe I just need to let go of my past like Mama did. I need to think about this a while longer, but not today. Today should be celebrated, as all days, with happiness, cheer and of course gratefulness.
***
Just a note: I received a tweet from a great woman of faith after I wrote this. Could it be message from God? You decide.
"YOU WERE MADE FOR A PURPOSE: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14" -Shari Fenn
Then on Sunday morning this tweet arrived.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU: You are simply a work in progress like the rest of us. You are growing. -Shari Fenn
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