In this week's Creative Writing class the instructor had leftover time because one the students dropped out of the class. She was this weeks "Presenter". Each student has to get up in front of the class and present a poem or prose. It must take at least 30 minutes of time which includes a review from the other students. Apparently she was so uncomfortable about standing in front of the class and being critiqued that she decided to drop the class. I volunteer to be first, which was last week. I hope I wasn't the one who made her decide to drop out.
This was only week four of the semester, but I am continually surprised by the lack of students not completing an assignment or unwilling to share with the class. Each week the teacher gives us a prompt, or a suggestion, but we can choose any subject we want to write about. It can be a poem or a piece of prose. Very few of the students come prepared to share their writing with the class. There are only 2 of us who write prose and three students write poems of various lengths. One student's poem normally has three lines, the other about 6, and the other one is of normal length. Two other students have share only one time and the other 13 students haven't shared anything. We are graded by the number of writings we share with the class.
I think about the waste of a valuable experience these students are missing out on. Their parents or if they have taken out a student loan are just throwing away valuable money that they paid for this class. I speak from experience. But I digress.
With the leftover time that she wasn't prepared for, the teacher wrote three things on the blackboard and asked us to write something that included each item, it could be a poem or prose. They were: identical twins, an old guitar, Niagara Falls.
I must say that this took me by surprise. I normally come up with a thought that develops into an idea but it then needs to be large enough to give me a desire to write about. Writing on the spur of the moment is difficult for me.
I took out my pen and paper and wrote down the first thing that came to my mind to see where it would go. I was surprise that the words just flowed onto the paper which ended up being the very good start of a short story.
On my way home from school I thought what a wonderful idea. On the cold winter days when I don't feel like venturing out into the cold, but looking for something to do, all I need to do is think of three random objects and try to create a story around them.
I ended up liking my story so much I decided to share it with you, but first it needed a little tweaking since we were writing so rapidly trying to complete it in just a few minutes. Here it is.
Senior Skip Day
It was to be the trip of a lifetime. Sarah and I had planned to skip school that beautiful, sunny May morning as with many of our classmates. It was Senior Skip Day, a tradition that went back to who knows when. We had been planning this since the first time we heard about it from our older brother, Joe, when he had gotten caught by Papa. Now it was our turn to make it to Niagara Falls and back without Papa finding out.
Sarah was the older, making me the baby of the family, if only by a few minutes. As the baby, I was Mama's and Papa's favorite, so I thought. The birth had been difficult, but I survived and as a result my parents treasured me. If need be, we would use that to our advantage as well as the fact that we were identical twins.
We both took the same classes but different times of the day. We often switched classes and no one ever knew the difference. Sometimes we sat in on each other's class to be together and confuse the teachers. We had been doing this since middle school, in fact so often that the school and teachers just allowed us to sit together in class as long as we did our homework and took the tests they didn't care.
Needless to say, we were brats, but in a good way. We never missed school since we loved it so much. Mostly because we were always playing tricks to confuse everyone so that no one could tell us apart. We would meet in the bathroom and exchange clothes several times during the day then pretend we were each other. One time we even confused ourselves and laughed so hard that later we actually thought about exchanging names permanently. Even when we were sick we demanded to go to school. This would be our advantage over our siblings. Papa would never expect us to skip school.
We had just received a black Honda used by older brother, Tom, while he was in college as a graduation gift to use when we attended the University about sixty miles away. Mama and Papa wanted us to come home now and again for the weekend as well as holidays. As part of our plan we had convinced them to let us start driving it to school which they had agreed.
That morning we arrived at school at the normal time having attendance in homeroom then proceeded to our first class. After Business Law I met Sarah and went to Sarah's English class then we went the next class, my American Lit. Once the class was over, we ducked out the door right next to the classroom, put on a ball cap and lightweight jacket then headed for our car carrying an old guitar that Sarah had borrowed from her boyfriend, Brad.
The car was parked a couple of blocks away, instead of the student parking area, so we could leave without being noticed. It was lunch time so there were cars and students coming and going so we blended in well. All was going as planned. We had arrived at school, been recognized as being there, attended classes, continued our normal 'confuse the teacher' routine and left in disguise. Everything appeared as normal.
We had tossed a coin to see who would drive and Sarah had won. Off we went with the biggest smiles which soon developed into the giggles of young girls. Through the city and into the country we went with chips, cookies, coke, a camera and the old guitar to sing songs and entertain us on this incredible journey.
Along the way we counted down the miles from highway signs pointing the direction to the Falls. Thirty miles, tens miles, we were almost there. We finally reached Buffalo, where we had often visited and onward we went towards the Falls. We could almost feel the spray from the Falls enter the opened windows even though we were still several miles away.
We only needed to get there, take a picture of each of us together by the Falls and get back to school before the final class.
With eager anticipation we continued through Buffalo bragging that we would be the first of Mama and Papa's ten children to accomplish this feat. It would be even more spectacular since we were the only girls. It would take a woman to outsmart Papa; Mama would be so proud.
Up in the distance we could see the parking lot. We were so excited but yet we could hardly breathe with fear of being caught. Papa was at work that day, meeting with important clients. There is no way he can be in two places at the same time.
We pulled into the parking lot, parking the car as close to the Falls as possible. Success. So far we had gotten farther than most of our siblings, but we knew Papa was devious.
We ran towards the Falls as fast as we could, laughing so hard it made it difficult to run. We walked along the rail and found the perfect spot for our picture now we had to find someone to take it for us as evidence that we were there.
I could see this old lady sitting on one of the benches by the rail. She had a blue floral dress that reached her ankles, a big floppy hat with her long grey hair hanging down below it, and a cane by her side. I told Sarah that I would ask her to take the picture. I ran over to the old lady and said "Ma'am" so I could get her attention. She lifted her head from the book she had been reading and I just stood there in shock, it was Papa.
I hate shopping. There it is, it’s out there. What woman hates shopping? Me. Mind you, I have really tried to enjoy shopping in fact that’s exactly what I tried to do today.
This morning I had to do the weekly grocery shopping. Also, I had to stop by Staples to pick up a spare printer cartridge for the printer. I am now back in school where one of my teachers demands that we print off our homework each week so I better have a spare in the event the one we have runs out of ink.
I dislike the grocery store so much that I always have a list that is arranged in the layout of the store so I can quickly make my way through the store and purchase just the items on the list. It's like I’m in a contest each week to see how quickly I can get the items in my shopping cart and out of the store in record time without hitting anyone in the process.
So off I went this morning, trying to stay in a positive frame of mind to enjoy this great adventure called shopping. I stopped at Staples, thinking they opened at 8:00am, but I was 10 minutes early. They opened at 9:00am on Saturdays. I’m used to doing the grocery shopping on Wednesday’s or Friday’s so Staples is never a problem, but since I’m in school all day Friday and frantically finishing homework on Wednesday, the shopping has lately been done on Saturday.
No problem, I thought, I’ll just go to Kroger’s then come back when I’m done. Kroger’s is on the other side of the shopping center where Staples is with a conveniently attached road to get to it.
Walking towards the Kroger's, I started examining the thought of grocery shopping coming to the conclusion that is why grocery stores have sales. Women like sales, in fact women love sales and will do just about anything to get to a sale if there is something they want or even think there might be something they want. I imagine that is why grocery stores have sales, to get women to want to be there and most important that while they are there they are in a pleasant mood. I hate to imagine what the atmosphere of the store would be like with a hundred women in a really bad mood. I shudder at the thought.
First I had to visit the bottle return area. Keeping a positive mind that there might be just one plastic/can bottle return unit working and not all of them beeping in need of assistance, I boldly enter the return area. I was pleasantly surprised that they were all functioning and there was only one gentleman there using the glass bottle one, that meant I had all of them to myself. Which one to choose? So I randomly chose one hoping that the bottle/can insertion area had recently been cleaned so the plastic bottles didn’t come shooting back at me because the machine couldn’t read the IPC code, or the basket that holds the crushed returned bottles wasn’t one bottle from being full.
I approached one and started inserting the cans. There were so many of them. Mind you, each time I go grocery shopping I return the plastic beverage bottles and beer cans so they will not accumulate making this tasks worse. Can after can went into the return. Twin, my brother, has been staying with us the entire week and he has been making the Irish proud with his drinking during the day while he is on vacation and BH has been joining him in the evening. But all is not lost, at least at the end of this ordeal I came away with a receipt for some money back for my effort.
I went in and purchased the items on my list forgetting my nice reusable shopping bags which now resulted in so many plastic bags to put in the car instead of just a few that are neatly packed in rectangular fashion. Why do they put only one item in plastic bag when more than one can fit? God only knows.
Okay, one grocery store done, one to go.
Back to Staples I went. I remembered that I should also pick up printer paper since I no doubt will run out before the end of the semester. I found the paper then searched for the printer cartridges. Why do they change the location of the cartridges each time I visit?
While searching for the cartridges I looked at the printers since I want a new one but decided I couldn’t purchase one because my DVD player on my computer is broken making it impossible to install the software to operate it. The printer I have been using isn’t Wi-Fi and is quite old, but we use it as fax. My computer is a laptop that I use in a different room than the printer. So every time I want to print I have to unplug the laptop, take it to the printer, hook up the cable, turn the printer on then print. Then reverse the order and return the laptop back to where it belongs only to discover I forgot to print something. It’s becoming quite frustrating.
I purchased another Wi-Fi printer after our other one broke quite a while ago, but can’t get this Epson one installed since it refuses to take my internet password. I then tried to install the software to use it with a printer cable but it insists that my computer is a Mac when it’s a PC. But I don’t even want to go there at this time. Needless to say, it would much easier just to buy another Lexmark printer that I’m sure I can get working.
I finally found the cartridges and there was a salesperson working in that area. I’m not quite sure if it was a guy or girl since the hair was cropped close the sides with about 1" sticking straight up on top, several hooped earrings in the ears as well as the nose, but the voice was a little higher than a guys. Regardless, the salesperson was very helpful and located the cartridge that I needed.
Since we purchased the computer from Staples I asked how long it would take to fix the DVD player. BH, my better half, had insisted that we purchase the repair contract with the computer and there's still almost a year left on the contract. It seemed like a good idea at the time because if we didn’t use it we could get a refund on the full price of the contract.
The DVD player seems to work since it spins up nicely, but the drive isn’t recognized by the computer. The salesperson told me that I would have to call the repair center, God knows where, then they would ship me a box and I could overnight it to them at no cost. Then they would repair the computer and send it back. This is unacceptable at this time since I need the laptop for school.
Just out of curiosity I asked if they had external DVD players which I assumed they did. I had already checked on line, not at Staples, but they were over $100.00. The salesperson said of course then escorted me to the area where they had several makes. They had two that he/she recommended. For $10.00 more I could get one that reads and writes. All for the low price of $59.99. So instantly I said I’ll take it; after all it’s only $50.00 and change.
Happily I went to the register and checked out with my purchases, never bothering to get the printer. I was only thinking that finally I could watch Burn Notice from my DVDs instead of rebuying each season from Amazon to watch on my computer while I did homework and to capture screen shots for my blog and to share with others.
I went to Meijer and finished my grocery shopping in a pleasant mood knowing I had a DVD player just waiting to be plugged into my computer.
I returned home with the back of my van full of wonderful food and my DVR. I grabbed the Staples bag and a few others and joyfully went into the house. BH greeted me and took the bags from my hand as Twin went to the car to start retrieving the other bags.
BH looked into the staples bag, probably to find out why it was so full since I had only told him I was getting the printer cartridge. He pulled out the DVD player and just looked at me. As I look back at the situation I think he was trying to calm himself down before opening his mouth, or he was scheming. I’m not sure which.
“Why did you buy this?” He asked.
“You know, mine’s broken.”
“But it can be fixed.” He added.
“But I need it.”
“You need it?”
By now I realize he is unhappy, so my mind is frantically trying to come up with a very good reason to have purchased the DVD player.
“Yes, mine is broken.” I said trying to buy more time.
“Get it fixed.” He said, just as a thought entered my mind.
“I would but I need the computer for homework. You know BH, I have to mail that computer in to get it fixed. I talked to a salesperson who told me that Staples will have to send me a box so I can send it in to get fixed. Then I won’t have a computer until I get it back.”
“What about your old one?” He said. Darn, I thought. I forgot I still had my old laptop.
Quickly coming up with an excuse I said. “Honey, I have so much going on now. If I want to use that old one I have to back up all of the current files then move them to the old computer and that takes time. Beside that computer has Windows XT and they don’t support that any longer.” I realize as I’m saying this, it doesn’t make sense and I'm not giving him a strong enough excuse.
“But we can get the DVD in your computer fixed for free. This DVD player cost money, Anne.”
Frantically I’m searching for a valid reason for the purchase other than the ones I’ve already given.
“I like to watch Burn Notice episodes on my computer while I do homework and I can’t do that.”
“What about the episodes that you purchased from Amazon. Can’t you watch those?”
Oh, oh. He must have received the credit card bill and found out about my Amazon purchases before I had a chance to tell him about it. This situation is getting worse not better. My mind is racing now for a solution.
“Honey, I’ve got to put away the groceries.” I said as I tried to get around him.
By now Twin has returned with some grocery bags and sees BH’s face.
“Hey, is someone going to help me with these bags?” He casually asked.
“Give me a minute and I’ll help you.” BH replied to Twin.
Twin gave me a look of ‘I tried to help’ when BH returned his attention to me. Then he looked back at Twin and said, “You mind giving us a minute?”
“No problem I’ll get the rest.” Then Twin left to get more items from the car.
BH gave me a signal of ‘now look what you made me do’ as he pointed with his head at Twin as he was leaving.
“Well?” BH asked waiting for an answer.
“Well what?”
“Anne, you know exactly what. Can’t you watch the episodes you’ve already purchased?”
By now I have another excuse. “Honey, I don’t have all of them yet. What if I want to watch one from season 1, after all season one contains my favorite episodes?”
I apparent hit a nerve, because instantly his head went back, eyes towards the heavens, he took a deep breath, his head came back down, and he just looked at me. I wanted to laugh. His behavior was just like Michael Westen, but I knew better. Then another thought came to my mind and I almost lost it. I was wondering if I turned around if he would strangle the air as if it were my neck.
Taking advantage of the moment of the humor I had inside of me I said. “It didn’t cost very much when you take away the price of season 1 that I might not buy now.” I wasn’t going to rule out buying season 1 after all I might still want that one to access anywhere so I don’t have to bring the DVD player each time. You never know. But that humor failed my thought process. He couldn’t have known that I just bought season 3. Then I wondered how many seasons were on that credit card bill. I had just admitted I only had one left to buy. Oh, well might as well get it all out there at one time.
He started to say something, but I interrupted him, “You know buying that DVD player might have saved us quite a bit of money in the long run.”
He was standing there in his white undershirt, you know the kind that have no sleeves and are scooped necked that really show off your guys muscles, with his mouth opened. He looked so hot, just like Michael Westen, that all I could think of was giving him a hug, then I recalled our situation and decided against it. He then put his palm on the counter and leaned on it as I started pulling items out of the shopping bags.
“How do you figure, Anne.” He stopped, just looking at me like, ‘what lame excuse is she going to come up with this time.’
Was I seeing a hint of a smile that he was trying to suppress? I continued, “That service contract you purchased has a refund option in it. If we don’t use it we get our money back which is a lot more than that DVD player cost. So technically I just saved you a lot of money.” I smiled at him. Then went over to him and put my arms around his waist. He took his hand off from the counter and put both of his arms around my shoulders. I looked up to him as he looked down at me, and unfortunately I added, “Your welcome.”
He took his arms off from around me, put his head in the air again, then turned around just as Twin was bringing in the final load of groceries, and said “Women!”, then walked out of the kitchen. But as he was leaving her turned around and just smiled at both Twin and me, shaking his head.
Twin looked at me and asked, “Is he always like that?”
I just looked at Twin and said, “Yes, that’s his way of telling me he loves me.” Twin had this puzzled look but I recalled last Sunday when he was giving me a hard time about communion and our conversation afterwards and the times I’ve visited his office with the kind remarks his colleagues tell me what BH says about me. It is just his way of dealing with marriage. And besides he now has another story to share with the guys at the water cooler.
BH married late in life never expecting to find someone who could tolerate being with him. He loves me so much and tells me so in the most wonderful ways that touch my heart. He never raises his voice. I could have flown off the handle, but what good would that have done and I think he has figured that out as well. We all have to make concessions in marriage. I tolerate him and he tolerates me. We never really fight, just have these little discussions, never blowing things out of proportion or raising our voices at one another. If he insisted, I would gladly have returned the DVD and just waited until school was over to get my computer fixed or used my old one until the DVD returned back from Staples. I want peace in my marriage and I'm willing to make the compromises.
Besides he is thinking about our future. The downturn in the economy hit him hard and I'm sure it is weighing on his mind. He has that type of personality. I love that he is concerned for his family and he is a good provider.
Most likely he was just teasing. He has the strangest ways of teasing me. I really am quite careful of the money I spend. Like I said, I hate shopping. I don't go to the mall and buy clothes, shoes, purses or jewelry that most other women buy and he has often encouraged me to buy new clothes, but my old ones are just fine for the time being. We rarely go out for dinner, but I try to fix a good well balanced dinner at home -- that's probably why we don't go out -- which saves us money. We never go to the movies, instead we sit at home cuddled together watching TV instead, just enjoying being together with a bowl of popcorn. We entertain friends, mostly during the summer, with an outdoor barbecue and a fire afterwards in the fire pit. But when it comes to electronics -- and Burn Notice -- for some reason I have no control of myself. BH knows that, so that's why I believe he was just teasing me.
Did he dash my excitement about purchasing the DVD player? Not really, after all I now have this wonderful story to share with you.
Why do I share this with you? It's just another silly Anne story to make you appreciate the spouse you have or do not have. Some of you are thankful you aren't married to me, others are thankful you aren't married to BH, and others are just thankful you aren't married. God has given each of us the perfect partner; we just have to realize it. After all it could be worse.
All I know is that we both appreciate each other. Isn't that what we all want? It might not always seem like that, but I make a point of telling him this on a regular basis, not only verbally but by the way I treat him. His personality is different than mine so I can't expect him to always tell me that, but he does every now and then because of my behavior towards him.
One thing I have learned is that if I'm not getting what I want/need from him it is because I am giving him that. You get back what you give out. If I don't give him respect, he will most likely stop respecting me. If I'm not kind to him, he will eventually not be kind to me. It's just as simple as that. But I also realize that I can't expect to receive what he can't give me. I can't expect any more out of him than what he brought into the marriage and vice versa. That doesn't mean I won't get it, it just means I shouldn't expect it. All I know is that I love him unconditionally. I will love him no matter what.
I awoke this morning thinking about Mama. I had the most incredible mother imaginable. My childhood was extraordinary until I was eleven years old then it changed. Even after that time my life with my family was wonderful, awesome in fact.
I kept thinking about her as I got ready for the day when all of a sudden tears started rolling down my cheeks. I wasn't bawling. My eyes had just filled with enough tears to come streaming down, which is normally the case. This often happens when I haven’t had enough sleep and I have to admit I was still tired after a week of not getting very much sleep and the demands of life.
My mother was a woman of wisdom and I sure could use some of her wisdom now, but she is no longer here to ask.
Someone on twitter said that maybe I needed to see a counselor about my crying but I don’t want to go to one. Mama would have the answer. So I reverted back to the ways I have always dealt with problems by seeking the wisdom my mother shared with us growing up.
I have two moods, either I’m happy or I’m sad. That’s pretty much it. I no longer get angry, sometimes a little disappointed, but never angry and the disappointment lasts only a short while. When you get rid of anger it’s surprising how many of your moods go away. I have forgiven everyone for anything that has happened, so I have no resentment, revenge, or hard feelings towards anyone.
I started thinking about Mama, who was never sad. She had so many reasons to be sad. She lost her mother and father when she was young. She lost her first born child when he was three months old and she lost her baby, my sister, when she was just a teenager. She moved away from her homeland, only to return once but as I understand it was more like a duty than a desire; I believe she had a horrible childhood. And she lost the love of her life, my father, who passed before she did. I’m sure she had great disappointments, including me, but she never showed it. Why, I asked myself?
She was a great woman of faith. There has to be an answer in the Bible. Then a passage came to mind. Philippians 4:11-12, St. Paul writes: "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
I am content so that can’t be the answer, but there has to be something there that I’m missing. Can contentment bring tears? Maybe I need to be more contented? So I further examined when I get sad. It’s when I think about the past, like this morning I was thinking about my mom. I miss her so much, but she is in the past, but missing her is in the present. Besides I don't always cry when I miss her, I just miss her.
I also cry when others are hurting, or if they are crying I can cry right along with them. When they receive bad news, I sometimes start crying because they received it and I wish they hadn't. If I see a man cry, I cry because I know how much they must be hurting because men seldom cry. They know how to keep their emotions in check, or at least society expects them to. Then there's the opposite. If someone receives very good news sometimes tears will form because I'm so happy for them.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? I don’t think so. Mama was very old when she died and I am grateful that she lived as long as she did. She gave birth to me way beyond when most women stop having children. In fact, she already had two grandchildren when I was born.
I looked at that ‘feeling sorry for myself’ angle again. Is that where sadness comes from? I imagine there might be an element of that in all sadness, but I wasn’t thinking, “poor me I don’t have a mom any longer.” Now I was getting too philosophical. I needed to back up since there had to be another way of dealing with it, so back to thinking about Mama wondering how she handled it.
Mama wasn't a cold-hearted person at all. She was the most thoughtful, compassionate person I have ever known. But why no sadness or tears? It’s not that I never saw her sad. She sure was sad when my sister died, but it didn’t last long and she was right back to her normal self.
All of a sudden it hit me. She had no past. That was her answer. She had no past.
She never talked about the past; ever. No reminiscing about childhood memories and even us kids. She had no past to reflect on to bring sadness. I never heard her say ‘remember when’, or ‘I recall the time’. She had no past. She just lived in the moment. Once the moment past she played with it for a while, then buried it. That must be the answer.
Mama taught us her wisdom like Jesus talked in parables, she always had a story. “Let me tell you about…”, she would start off, then she would share some life lesson with us. Her stories were never about her or one of my siblings and how they handled situations instead, they were stories about other people, or characters in the Bible.
I was thinking that would solve the sadness issue, at least most of it, which would leave only the sadness of things that happen in normal every day life. But how do you stop thinking about the past? And do I really want to do that? I love thinking about the past and remembering both good and bad times. Often I learn a lesson from those thoughts.
I could forget the bad things in the past, but that wouldn’t solve this crying issue. Because when I think about the really wonderful things in the past I sometimes cry. Maybe I miss those times like I miss Mama? But I love today just as much, maybe more so.
So how can I think about the past and not cry? How do other people do it?
I am a very sentimental person apparently with a lot of melancholy in me. Okay, I have to look up the word ‘melancholy’: Sad, gloomy, or depressed. Am I gloomy? Am I depressed? I don’t think so. Am I really sad? Sometimes, but it doesn't last long. One second I have tears, and few seconds later I'm laughing, all within a matter of minutes, sometimes just moments.
About this time BH had gotten up so I asked him if he thought I was gloomy or depressed and his answer was ‘Hell no. You are anything but that.’ Okay, now where do I go? So then I asked him, “Why do you think I cry so much?” His answer was simple, “You just enjoy and feel life more than others.”
“Do you think I should see a counselor about my crying?”
“Honey," he said as he put both of this hand by my shoulders, "that’s what I love about you. You appreciate life. You are so grateful about everything. I envy you. So often I wish I could see life the way you do.”
Wow. That might be most of the answer. I am grateful. I hadn't thought about that. Every time I think about how grateful I am to have God and Jesus in my life it brings tears to my eyes. Or how grateful I am to have BH in my life, to have my family, to have had my mother and father, to have my friends, to have my siblings, to have a wonderful home, to have a wonderful day, to have the love from BH, to be loved, and the list goes on. This morning I had been thinking about how grateful I was to have had Mama in my life.
The sense of gratefulness brings tears, at least it does for me, but not every time. Gratefulness brings contentment, a peace, a fulfillment of sorts.
Why do so many people cry when they fully understand the love that God has for us and when we realize how grateful we are that He is in our lives? He made us this way.
Maybe that was the answer? He made me the way I am to fulfill His purpose for me while I’m here on earth. Maybe without these deep feelings I have for other people and the events I have experienced I couldn’t pass on a blessing to others from Him.
So for now I will accept that as the answer to my tears, after all God made tears too for a reason, and brief sadness that never lasts very long. As long as I don’t walk around gloomy or depressed I guess I’m just a little more sensitive and feeling than others. Or maybe I just need to let go of my past like Mama did. I need to think about this a while longer, but not today. Today should be celebrated, as all days, with happiness, cheer and of course gratefulness.
***
Just a note: I received a tweet from a great woman of faith after I wrote this. Could it be message from God? You decide.
"YOU WERE MADE FOR A PURPOSE: "I am fearfully and
wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14" -Shari Fenn
Then on Sunday morning this tweet arrived.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU: You are simply a work in progress like the rest of us. You are growing. -Shari Fenn
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” -John 14:27
The last two nights I went to sleep with the most incredible peace inside of me and slept four hours straight.
You are probably saying to yourself, “So what? What’s the big deal?” Well, it is a big deal at least for me. To sleep for four hours straight without waking up is incredible and after a day of remember 9/11 it is even more incredible.
I thought about this peace last night as I was writing in my journal before going to sleep and wondered if I have finally arrived at the peace I have so wanted in my life? Of course, it has only been two nights in a row that I have noticed this incredible peace when I went to bed. Granted, I have contentment every night, but contentment is not the same a peace. I would have thought they were closely related, but not so. The peace I have been experiencing lately is the peace that Jesus spoke about in John 14:27.
This peace is not new. I have been experiencing it throughout the day for some time, but not to the extent as the last two nights. When I have been upset or worried I used to sit on my bed or on the coach with my legs crossed underneath me, close my eyes and let the peace of Jesus come into my body. I would remain that way until I calmed down then got up and continued what I was doing, never keeping that peace for very long. But the worry or anger or whatever I was experiencing before was at bay.
I think most of us go through life wishing we were a better person. Sometimes we say something that we wish we could take back and tell ourselves that we wish we could just keep our mouths shut. Or a pleasant thought about someone comes into our mind and we think we should tell that person but instead we just go on with our day, later regretting we didn’t tell them. Or sometimes we blow up about a situation only later to discover that we misunderstood it and now we look silly because we overreacted. And the list goes on.
Most often we want to be that better person because of the pain that we experience each time and sometimes we want to be a better person just because we want to please others. It depends on the day we are having.
This peace I have been experiencing lately is quite unique and I don’t want to let it go. I feel that I’m so close to getting a wish or a prayer answered. I have wanted peace so much as well as contentment. Don’t we all?
And what’s amazing is that all it took was to do what we’ve all been told throughout our lives; love. I never realized that love was the answer. The Bible speaks of love many times. Matthew 22:36-40 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.... And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. These are the greatest commandments." They both are about love.
For me, the first one was easy. I have loved God since I was four years old, but the love of Jesus came a little later, but they are one and the same. The second commandment was the hardest. In fact, I thought the second one was impossible.
First I had to love myself. Granted I like myself especially since I have to live with myself 24/7, but love myself how could I? I was always messing up. I was constantly beating myself up for not being perfect. How could I love myself until I got things right? Loving my neighbor was much easier since I like all people, except. There was the problem. Except. I loved myself except when I messed up and I loved my neighbor until he/she messed up, then love went right out the door.
So how can I do this I thought? Then one day I made a decision. I would love everyone, including me period. No exceptions. Then I started putting it into practice. I had already decided to love BH unconditionally and I was doing a pretty good job of it, at least visibly, but every once in a while in my mind it would slip but I could quickly come back to loving him unconditionally.
If I can love one person unconditionally couldn’t I love everyone that way too? Yes, of course I could love everyone unconditionally, but… myself. There was another word that should never be in our vocabulary; but. No I decided. There can be no exceptions. I must love everyone unconditionally including myself.
If I can accomplish this impossible task then other things in my life I could change also. Like worry, resentment, jealousy, envy, kindness, as well as others. Once I had love accomplished many of these would just disappear.
Jesus also said in 1 Corinthians 13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
There was another truth from Jesus. Love has to be the answer, or at least the beginning.
So I started putting it into action. I just loved everyone, no matter what they did or said. If they said something that hurt my feelings I loved them. If they said something that hurt someone else, I loved them. If I heard about someone who did something horrible, I loved them. Now all of these were really hard. But I kept going. I heard from a religious leader on TV who made the comment that Jesus loves the sinner. God loves his creation. What he has created is good. I looked around and thought well, most of it is good, but then realized it was man who had changed what was good to bad.
Okay, I thought I can love everyone, except their behavior. As long I can separate the person from the behavior then I was good. Isn’t that what Jesus has done? He loves us all, but he may not be pleased with our behavior, but still he loves us unconditionally. I could do that. After all, at one time that person was probably good but something happened in his/her life to change that. We don’t just become evil unless we are allowed to become that from our surroundings, or upbringing, or lack of upbringing.
So I started putting it into practice. If I went to the store and someone pushed me out of the way to get in line, or grab the package of chicken I had been contemplating on buying I was not angry and just waited my turn or picked something else out. If someone said something that I took offensively, I ignored it and made excuses in my mind. I must say, this one has been hard, but then they all have been hard.
I heard about a shooting where innocent lives were lost and instead of getting so angry about the event and hating those people, I just loved those people. More so out of pity. I had pity that they didn’t experience love in their lives which most likely caused them to commit that horrible crime. Were they rejected? Whatever it was they didn’t experience love, either as a recipient or as a giver. I hated what they did, it was evil and evil should never be tolerated. We will never fully understand why some people do what they do. By me being angry with them would not change the situation, but it could hurt me and those around me. If I let it anger me I could easily turn that anger towards someone else who didn't deserve it. All anger that we harbor will hurt someone else, most likely an innocent victim. We need to be so careful about situations that are evil that we don't hurt someone else in the process. We need to direct that anger towards a positive result.
The more I contemplated this whole love aspect I realized that was the answer to all of the world’s problems; love. If you followed all of the problems it came back to love. Not being naïve, but actually loving people. It starts with love.
So now that I have love in my heart for all people, I have the peace that I have so longed for. My life is so different and those around me are happier. I pray that I can continue this, but realize that it has to become a way of life. I need to practice it every day until it becomes a habit that can’t be easily broken.
I’m still going to make mistakes with regret, but I will not hate myself for it any longer. I am tired of beating myself up. I will no longer be a victim of my mind.
It is surprising how many people are friendly with you just because you walk around with a smile on your face. People just can help themselves, which also brings a smile to yours as well.
I will still have problems like everyone else, but they won’t seem as difficult. The peace I have in my heart will help me deal more calmly with the trials of life, making them so much easier to deal with.
Will this love for everyone and the peace I have cause me to have fewer problems? Of course, it will. Many of my problems are of my own doing, because I didn’t love. But I’m realistic and know that everyone isn’t where I am in life, so my love for them will make it easier on them, and hopeful on the next person they run into.
If you think I’m crazy so be it. I will still love you. Isn’t that what we all want in life, to be loved, respected, accepted and treated kindly? If that is the case, then it needs to start with me.
Today is the anniversary of the attacks on the United States on Tuesday September 11, 2001, by a group of terrorists who hated the United States and the freedoms that are its trademark.
Most of us remember where we were when we heard the news and what we felt watching those horrific scenes. Some of us were home, at school or work that day. Some were very young and some quite old, but we all were affected by the events.
Each of us have own unique experience with many emotions felt by others. Regardless, all of our lives throughout the world were changed on that day.
I remember that morning almost perfectly. I walked out the door and marveled at the beauty. It was a clear morning without the haze from a hot summer humid day. The colors were so vibrant. I had taken Monday off from work and had a Tuesday morning meeting that I was required to attend. I was running a little late, but the meeting wasn’t until 10am.
As I made my way out of the subdivision or community where I was living I turned on the radio. I normally leave it off so I can gather my thoughts and plans for the day, but this particular morning I was in a wonderful mood and thought I would enjoy one of the local radio stations that not only played music but the host and staff always were comical.
I was almost to the entrance when I turned on the station. Immediately I noticed a seriousness to the host’s voice. He was talking about this strange event that just happened in New York City moments ago where a small airplane had hit one of the Twin Towers. They were watching it on the TV and telling the viewers what they were witnessing and speculating on how this could have happened. Maybe the person had a heart attack, or fell asleep. The building was much too large not to have seen it.
While they were watching and giving us a blow by blow account the second plane hit. I knew instantly it was deliberate. Soon the host said the same thing and each one of his staff was starting to agree. My hand went instantly up to my mouth in horror. I couldn’t believe that it had happened and I wanted to shout at all of the drivers I was passing to let them know what had just occurred. Also I wanted desperately to return home but continued to my meeting knowing that it would most likely be cancelled and everyone sent home for the day after all the United States was just attacked.
Once I arrived I found out that the meeting still was going to happen. By now there were various rumors floating around. I tried to check the internet for news but every website was being hit beyond their capacity and I couldn’t even access a front page.
I immediately went to one of my friends and asked him about the meeting and any news he knew of. He didn’t know any more than I did. We talked about the number of people who were employed in the Twin Towers. As I recall there were about 30,000 people that could possibly die. I went back to my desk and gathered the information I needed for the meeting and went to the conference room hoping others might have more news. My friend joined us in the meeting and he said that the Pentagon had just been hit and there were two more planes suspected of being involved, with one most likely on the way to the White House. Later we heard the other one was detailed at the airport before it left the ground.
We were informed by one of the directors in the company that they would remain open and the best thing we could do for America was to work even harder that day. I couldn’t believe that, but then I could since this company had a flag pole outside without ever a flag on it.
We all had to remain there with very little work being done since we were trying to get news anyway possible.
I remember my friend telling me when the first tower collapsed. I wanted to cry and I was so angry at the company for not letting us go home to watch the event on TV and mourn but being a professional I had to keep this new resentment for this company hidden. Thankful we had instant messenger at that time and we were texting back and forth sharing the news with everyone. They should have just let us go home.
The owner and upper management were all Democrats. I don’t have anything against either party. I hate politics and love both Democrats and Republicans. I consider myself an America in fact last year I wrote a paper on it that has somehow been lost. Hopefully I can find and add it to this blog. I don’t define myself by some political party. I only mention this because we were confronted on a daily basis with bigoted hatred each day towards Republicans. I felt bad for those around me that might be a Republican and having to keep quiet about that fact knowing that if it was found out they would be fired. How horrible it was for them to think these people they were working for each day hated them for their beliefs.
This company had employees from all regions of the world including the Middle East. I felt badly for those from the Middle East that day since they had no involvement with the events that just happened. I remember praying for them and hoping they wouldn’t lose their jobs. Since upper management had no problem voicing their bigotry would they also hate all Muslims, or all people from the Middle East?
I remember coming home that night exhausted not accomplishing very much that day. I stayed glued to the TV from the time I got home until the time I left for work each day without ever turning the TV off, even throughout the night.
The day of the attacks grounded all planes. I remember how quiet it was in the neighborhood. Everyone was glued to the TV and not outside. Days went by without hearing even children playing. That night it was so quiet without the planes going overhead. It was eerie. We didn’t know what would happen next.
I took it harder than some because I had lived in a country for a while that had terrorist attacks on a regular basis. I remember the peace when I returned to the United States and now they were here also. I didn’t want to return to that way of life that every time you went to a public place you looked for gunman or vans that contained bombers. I didn’t want to read in the newspaper or online about civilians who were just out eating at their favorite restaurant when it was bombed leaving them maimed for life, just for eating and enjoying the evening.
Those events changed my world. Before that I never had problem falling asleep or even staying asleep all night. I would sleep until I had enough without moving a muscle then I would get up and live my day without being tired. Sometimes I would get 5 hours sleep sometimes 6 or 7, rarely 8 unless I was sick, which is also very rare.
Today I cannot get to sleep at night and only can sleep for a couple hours maximum at a time. I no longer think about 9/11, but my sleep definitely was affected but also after 9/11 I was diagnosed with a pain disease that also effects sleep. Last year I finally turned the TV off at night. I used to have it on loud enough that you couldn’t understand what was being said, but loud enough so my thoughts wouldn’t take control preventing me from getting to sleep. It was hard on BH but the TV is closer to my side, without it on I would lay awake all night long never fully falling asleep until many days went by, then only getting a couple of hours sleep. It was a horrible way to live.
I no longer work at the company and all of the upper management has resigned, but they started a trend of voicing hatred that still continued until I left.
The events of 9/11 instantly brought us all together united, but soon politics took over and each party had to attack the other leaving us divided hoping to take control of our nation which often happens with politics. I look back at those days before 9/11 and compare them with today. It is sad how divided our nation has become.
This morning was what seemed to be one of those “drama” Sunday’s in our house. BH came downstairs grumpy and groaning with his hair messed up from a night’s sleep.
“Anne, I hope you made a full pot of coffee this morning instead of that half-assed full you normally make. I’ll need a full pot if you expect me to attend ‘your’ church this morning.”
I just smiled at him. “Honey, everything will work out fine today, just be patient and give it time.” I said as I leaned forward to give him a kiss. He had just said two words that could have completely riled me years before I met him, but I had decided to love this man unconditionally when we got married.
First, he had sworn and called me ‘half-assed’ and second he had said ‘your’ church, neither which were true. Sure I had made the typical half pot of coffee since we would be leaving soon for church. And granted he actually called the pot half-assed, but I made that pot of coffee just for him.
Today we were going to attend one of the Catholic churches in town to give us plenty of time for both of us to go to the airport to greet my brother when he got off of the plane. I was raised Catholic but no longer consider myself so. I consider myself Protestant since I have been attending a number of Protestant churches since leaving home to make my own way in this wonderful world. It is not my church! My church is his church now; period.
I poured him a cup of coffee handing it to him with a big smile just waiting for the next words to come out. I knew exactly what they were going to be but determined to face it with a smile.
“Now, Anne, this business about communion.” Okay, here it comes, just as I expected I said to myself. “I feel uncomfortable taking communion in your church.” Here it is again, my church. “Do I really have to?”
“Honey, we have this decision every time we attend a Catholic church and my answer is always the same. No, you don’t need to participate if you don’t want to, but I am.”
“But you’re Catholic and I’m not.” Here we go again, the exact same words I hear each time.
“Honey, I’m no longer Catholic, but I am a member of the body of Christ as you are. We both have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and it is an honor for me to partake in communion regardless of the church we attend.” I continued to explain about religious rituals and the rules placed on them by religious institutions. Many of the rules are made up by man and not by God. Jesus told us take communion at any time, and that can even be in our home. I further explained one more time about the difference between the catholic church and the Catholic church.
“But if you don’t want to take communion that is fine with me, as long as you know that Jesus is okay with it there shouldn’t be a problem.” I added.
“But I will feel uncomfortable sitting in the pew alone while you take communion. People will get the wrong idea.”
“What idea is that?”
“You know.”
I just smiled and started fixing breakfast. If he hadn’t gotten it by now why do I keep on explaining this to him? I was tempted to tell him we would go to our church, which is actually his church since it is the one he had always attended when he was in Michigan but I have made it mine as well. We would be pushing it to get to the airport on time if we attend our normal church or possibly have to leave the service before it ended if it ran longer than normal. I thought I would just wait it out a little longer to see where this went.
I now had several challenges I needed to resolve before we left the house. I had to get him in a pleasant mood, resolve this whole communion discussion once again and get us on time to one of the churches. It wasn’t going to be easy.
He has no idea how close I have almost gotten to losing it with him, breaking the vow I agree to in my mind. The thought of this started me laughing out loud. Now I had another problem, he thought I was mocking him which only caused me to laugh harder, bringing tears of laughter to my eyes.
He just stood there grumpier than ever and said, “What’s so funny, Anne. You think this is funny?” Silently I said to myself, “Yes this is very funny. Come on get with it, can’t you see the humor in it?” Of course he couldn’t he doesn’t know about my commitment to have unconditional love with him. It is my secret. He has not seen me angry and I never want him to see that side of me. It isn’t very pretty and he thinks I’m beautiful. I am not about to change that image he has of me at any cost. Instead I just gave him a kiss and told him I loved him then finished cooking breakfast letting him make up his mind.
We enjoyed a wonderful breakfast even though none of us spoke and I did up the dishes as he went upstairs to shower.
I always get up before him since I require less sleep and get ready in the guest bath upstairs on Sunday’s so I don’t wake him up letting him sleep in. Today he had to get up sooner since we would be leaving much earlier than normal. I have a running checklist of things to avoid and do to get this man out of the door on Sunday in a cheerful mood, each week often adding an additional item to this growing list.
After I finished cleaning up the kitchen I joined him in the bedroom while he got ready for church. I made small talk about how nice it was going to be seeing my brother again then talked about how exciting this afternoon’s golf game was going to be and that we would have a wonderful lunch out wherever he wanted to go.
All of a sudden he came at me, picked me up and threw me on the bed then jumped on top of me holding me down with this angry face staring at me.
Had I gone too far and drove him over the edge? I was quickly thinking, “What did I say wrong this time?” He had never acted like this before except when he was happy but this time was different.
He leaned down and gave me a big kiss, then rolled to one side and started laughing himself. I silently let out a sigh of relief.
“What does it take woman to get you angry?” I said to myself “Is this a trick question?”
“I thought I had you on that whole communion thing this morning, but you didn’t even get angry.” Then he put one arm around me and kissed me again. “Anne, I love you so much. You brighten up every morning for me. I had been waiting all of my life for someone like you, never thinking it was possible. Everyone I dated fled from me but you have stayed by my side. You have no idea what it is like having parents angry and shouting every morning and throughout the day. I never wanted to experience that in a marriage myself, that’s why I chose you. You have never criticized me, only loved me. I thought it would have changed once we got married, but it hasn’t. You haven’t even tried to change me like all of the other women have. You have just accepted me with all of my flaws. You have no idea what that means to me. I love you Anne. We better get going or we will be really late for church if we stay in this bed one more minute.”
It’s words like that which keep me grounded in my decision to love this man unconditionally no matter what happens. I know he is a good man and will never physically hurt me. People will hurt you emotionally and verbally if you let them. I have accepted him just as he is. Because of the way I love him, he has never tried to change me. He has rules that I have learned to accept but they are minor in the grand scope of life, and if it makes him happy I can go along with them. They are really no big deal.
When you think about all of the fights between men and woman they are just about petty little things. They are normally because we are only thinking about ourselves and not thinking about our mate. Some people get mad because they see their mate being selfish or inconsiderate. They are just being themselves.
I look at it differently. It is my privilege being married to him and if I have to pick up his socks every morning so what? I could be dealing with a much more severe problem than just socks. Because I have chosen to love him unconditionally he is slowly taking on that quality as well. I see him change even though I haven’t done anything differently. Even if he doesn’t change so what, that is the man I married. I realized from being married before that people change after they are married and you just need to adjust. That is what marriage is; compromising. It is a give and take and often times one gives more than they receive, or so it seems.
Since I agree to love BH unconditionally I have also included all people in that decision. I now find myself happy almost all of the time. The anger I used to have is gone and I am a pleasant person to be with. I let go of any resentment I had towards anyone or anything and decided to love everyone no matter what and to forgive everyone that had hurt me or will hurt me in the future. I hold no resentment or unforgiveness.
It has been a difficult process that I work on each day but I can’t believe how happy I now am. I am also at peace for the first time in my life. Peace is incredible. I can’t explain it you have to experience it over a period of time to fully appreciate it. This peace and happiness I experience I don’t want to lose. I still have great sadness that I am working on, but I refuse to be angry or resentful in my sadness. Eventually I will come to terms with even that. I just take one step at a time and each day at a time.
I thank God every day that He hasn’t given up on me. He will continue to be by my side as I continue my journey through this wonderful life that He has so graciously given me.
I awoke this morning in my typical manner, happy, laughing, glad to be alive and ready to face the world.
I recently decided to follow many new people on twitter so much so that the twitter feeds that arrive hourly is extensive. As I was making my way through the tweets I came upon a tweet from one of my new favorite followers, Christin, who shares amazing Burn Notice pictures from past episodes.
The first one I opened touched my heart in such a way that it brought tears to my eyes which I didn’t understand. It shows Michael and Fiona enjoying a wonderful breakfast together in Fi’s apartment.
I continued through each tweet enjoying each image from Christin and all of the other wonderful messages from the people I’m following, but tears kept rolling down my cheeks.
I eventually made a remark on twitter about how one moment you can be happy then you see a picture and become sad and you don’t even know why. That’s what being a woman is like. You just start crying and at the time you have absolutely no idea why. Sometimes you feel sad, other times happy and sometimes both. That’s what happened to me this morning; I was happy and sad at the same time and I couldn’t understand why I was sad.
I continued my morning routine and couldn’t get that picture out of my mind. I would stop crying only to begin again. I tried to read my Bible but couldn’t because of the tears that filled my eyes. Even as I sit here writing this my eyes just filled with tears.
I haven’t been sleeping well so I am very tired, which generally contributes to these reactions.
I had a similar event happen to me last season when I was rewatching a Burn Notice episode that aired the night before. Anson had just made an appearance in Michael's loft the previous night and now Fi and Michael were standing on a beach after Anson had left. They were holding hands and looking at each other. I cried for an entire day over that picture in my mind. This one scene and image generated so many emotions and like today I had a hard time explaining why it made me cry.
My BH (better half or second husband) woke up in a wonderful happy mood. This isn’t unusual except that yesterday he was extremely grumpy which also isn’t unusual. I never know what to expect from him in the morning, but if I had to take a poll, I imagine it is more likely he will be grumpy. I have made it my goal in life to make sure he is happy and in a good mood when he leaves so that the people he works with aren’t affect when he makes his appearance.
Currently my first BH, I call him 'first husband', is staying with us for a few days. I will not go into any more details because that is a promise I made to both BH’s that I would leave most of our private lives between us. I have broken that promise many times by sharing personal information in tweets, but want to try as hard as I can to honor both of these men’s wishes.
Many people who go through a divorce are so brokenhearted and hurt that they hold resentment and hard feelings towards one another, which I could have done as well, but choose to stay in contact with first husband because of my love for him. Thankful both husbands get along very well and have become very close friends.
It is still very painful when we are together remembering all of the good times we had together. Like in my current marriage we didn’t fight either. We got along very well together and the divorce wasn’t because of a hate or dislike, or love lost between us and neither of us were unfaithful to each other.
I hear so often that it takes two for a divorce. This statement is so wrong. It only takes one to make a decision to leave. Happiness is a decision we make every day as well as contentment. Even Paul said In Philippians 4:11 “I have learned to be content with whatever the circumstance.“ Once you deviate from what you love and start dwelling on something else you can allow yourself to become unhappy. That’s what first husband did. He wasn’t unhappy with me he decided he was unhappy with his new career. He wanted his old one back that I couldn’t be part of. We tried making it work for two years being separated for six months at a time and it was hard on both of us. I can’t disclose any more than that without revealing events and personal information that I swore would remain confident. Just know that first husband is a remarkable man and I’m not some evil woman who was thinking only of myself and not wanting to join him. He made the decision to leave without consulting me because he wanted me to move on and be happy. He didn't want me to be alone.
Even though that decision hurt, I chose to keep him in my life and now have to bare the pain it brings every time we are together. I love my new husband so much. I never thought I could love anyone else, but have. It’s like when you have children; you never think you could add another child into your life without jeopardizing the love of your first child. It is amazing how big your heart is. It grows with each person you choose to add into your life. God is amazing.
The decision to keep first husband in our lives was hard because of the hurt but so rewarding. We are, like so many others today, and extended family. We all get along tremendously and have fun reminiscing about the past and filling in each other about our lives since the last time we saw each other. Second husband has been able to find out so much more about me through the eyes of someone else than I could have ever told him myself. It is now like we experienced those times together making the time we’ve been together longer. We can all be open with each other, not afraid of bringing up past events and making it uncomfortable to be together. Of course, this didn’t happen right away and we are still working through it, but it isn’t the nightmare I thought it would be.
As I continued to think about this picture it dawned on me why I was so sad. It reminded me of first husband and me together so long ago in our first apartment after we were married. Of course the apartment wasn’t as luxurious as the one in the picture, but the scene is similar to one I hold dear to my heart, just like the beach scene in that other episode. And of course, there is so much more than just having breakfast, or holding hands in my memory. It makes me think of a much deeper meaning to those scenes. Fi and Michael realize how much they need each other on that empty beach. The look at each other shows how vulnerable they are at that time, and lost as to what to do with their situation, but they have each other and somehow they will get through it. The picture of the two of them eating breakfast reminds me how quickly our lives change and how we don’t even realize it at the time.
The special quiet, peaceful times we share together should be cherished always because they may never happen again. This applies to everything that comes into our lives. It is there for a reason and so often we don’t even realized until years later sometimes with regret. So dear friends, try to enjoy today with whatever it brings so that tomorrow you too, won’t have regrets.
