Peace

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” -John 14:27

The last two nights I went to sleep with the most incredible peace inside of me and slept four hours straight.

You are probably saying to yourself, “So what? What’s the big deal?” Well, it is a big deal at least for me. To sleep for four hours straight without waking up is incredible and after a day of remember 9/11 it is even more incredible.

I thought about this peace last night as I was writing in my journal before going to sleep and wondered if I have finally arrived at the peace I have so wanted in my life? Of course, it has only been two nights in a row that I have noticed this incredible peace when I went to bed. Granted, I have contentment every night, but contentment is not the same a peace. I would have thought they were closely related, but not so. The peace I have been experiencing lately is the peace that Jesus spoke about in John 14:27.

This peace is not new. I have been experiencing it throughout the day for some time, but not to the extent as the last two nights. When I have been upset or worried I used to sit on my bed or on the coach with my legs crossed underneath me, close my eyes and let the peace of Jesus come into my body. I would remain that way until I calmed down then got up and continued what I was doing, never keeping that peace for very long. But the worry or anger or whatever I was experiencing before was at bay.

I think most of us go through life wishing we were a better person. Sometimes we say something that we wish we could take back and tell ourselves that we wish we could just keep our mouths shut. Or a pleasant thought about someone comes into our mind and we think we should tell that person but instead we just go on with our day, later regretting we didn’t tell them. Or sometimes we blow up about a situation only later to discover that we misunderstood it and now we look silly because we overreacted. And the list goes on.

Most often we want to be that better person because of the pain that we experience each time and sometimes we want to be a better person just because we want to please others. It depends on the day we are having.

This peace I have been experiencing lately is quite unique and I don’t want to let it go. I feel that I’m so close to getting a wish or a prayer answered. I have wanted peace so much as well as contentment. Don’t we all?

And what’s amazing is that all it took was to do what we’ve all been told throughout our lives; love. I never realized that love was the answer. The Bible speaks of love many times. Matthew 22:36-40 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.... And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. These are the greatest commandments." They both are about love.

For me, the first one was easy. I have loved God since I was four years old, but the love of Jesus came a little later, but they are one and the same. The second commandment was the hardest. In fact, I thought the second one was impossible.

First I had to love myself. Granted I like myself especially since I have to live with myself 24/7, but love myself how could I? I was always messing up. I was constantly beating myself up for not being perfect. How could I love myself until I got things right? Loving my neighbor was much easier since I like all people, except. There was the problem. Except. I loved myself except when I messed up and I loved my neighbor until he/she messed up, then love went right out the door.

So how can I do this I thought? Then one day I made a decision. I would love everyone, including me period. No exceptions. Then I started putting it into practice. I had already decided to love BH unconditionally and I was doing a pretty good job of it, at least visibly, but every once in a while in my mind it would slip but I could quickly come back to loving him unconditionally.

If I can love one person unconditionally couldn’t I love everyone that way too? Yes, of course I could love everyone unconditionally, but… myself. There was another word that should never be in our vocabulary; but. No I decided. There can be no exceptions. I must love everyone unconditionally including myself.

If I can accomplish this impossible task then other things in my life I could change also. Like worry, resentment, jealousy, envy, kindness, as well as others. Once I had love accomplished many of these would just disappear.

Jesus also said in 1 Corinthians 13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

There was another truth from Jesus. Love has to be the answer, or at least the beginning.

So I started putting it into action. I just loved everyone, no matter what they did or said. If they said something that hurt my feelings I loved them. If they said something that hurt someone else, I loved them. If I heard about someone who did something horrible, I loved them. Now all of these were really hard. But I kept going. I heard from a religious leader on TV who made the comment that Jesus loves the sinner. God loves his creation. What he has created is good. I looked around and thought well, most of it is good, but then realized it was man who had changed what was good to bad.

Okay, I thought I can love everyone, except their behavior. As long I can separate the person from the behavior then I was good. Isn’t that what Jesus has done? He loves us all, but he may not be pleased with our behavior, but still he loves us unconditionally. I could do that. After all, at one time that person was probably good but something happened in his/her life to change that. We don’t just become evil unless we are allowed to become that from our surroundings, or upbringing, or lack of upbringing.

So I started putting it into practice. If I went to the store and someone pushed me out of the way to get in line, or grab the package of chicken I had been contemplating on buying I was not angry and just waited my turn or picked something else out. If someone said something that I took offensively, I ignored it and made excuses in my mind. I must say, this one has been hard, but then they all have been hard.

I heard about a shooting where innocent lives were lost and instead of getting so angry about the event and hating those people, I just loved those people. More so out of pity. I had pity that they didn’t experience love in their lives which most likely caused them to commit that horrible crime. Were they rejected? Whatever it was they didn’t experience love, either as a recipient or as a giver. I hated what they did, it was evil and evil should never be tolerated. We will never fully understand why some people do what they do. By me being angry with them would not change the situation, but it could hurt me and those around me. If I let it anger me I could easily turn that anger towards someone else who didn't deserve it. All anger that we harbor will hurt someone else, most likely an innocent victim. We need to be so careful about situations that are evil that we don't hurt someone else in the process. We need to direct that anger towards a positive result.

The more I contemplated this whole love aspect I realized that was the answer to all of the world’s problems; love. If you followed all of the problems it came back to love. Not being naïve, but actually loving people. It starts with love.

So now that I have love in my heart for all people, I have the peace that I have so longed for. My life is so different and those around me are happier. I pray that I can continue this, but realize that it has to become a way of life. I need to practice it every day until it becomes a habit that can’t be easily broken.

I’m still going to make mistakes with regret, but I will not hate myself for it any longer. I am tired of beating myself up. I will no longer be a victim of my mind.

It is surprising how many people are friendly with you just because you walk around with a smile on your face. People just can help themselves, which also brings a smile to yours as well.

I will still have problems like everyone else, but they won’t seem as difficult. The peace I have in my heart will help me deal more calmly with the trials of life, making them so much easier to deal with.

Will this love for everyone and the peace I have cause me to have fewer problems? Of course, it will. Many of my problems are of my own doing, because I didn’t love. But I’m realistic and know that everyone isn’t where I am in life, so my love for them will make it easier on them, and hopeful on the next person they run into.

If you think I’m crazy so be it. I will still love you. Isn’t that what we all want in life, to be loved, respected, accepted and treated kindly? If that is the case, then it needs to start with me.

Unconditional Love

This morning was what seemed to be one of those “drama” Sunday’s in our house. BH came downstairs grumpy and groaning with his hair messed up from a night’s sleep.

“Anne, I hope you made a full pot of coffee this morning instead of that half-assed full you normally make. I’ll need a full pot if you expect me to attend ‘your’ church this morning.”

I just smiled at him. “Honey, everything will work out fine today, just be patient and give it time.” I said as I leaned forward to give him a kiss. He had just said two words that could have completely riled me years before I met him, but I had decided to love this man unconditionally when we got married.

First, he had sworn and called me ‘half-assed’ and second he had said ‘your’ church, neither which were true. Sure I had made the typical half pot of coffee since we would be leaving soon for church. And granted he actually called the pot half-assed, but I made that pot of coffee just for him.

Today we were going to attend one of the Catholic churches in town to give us plenty of time for both of us to go to the airport to greet my brother when he got off of the plane. I was raised Catholic but no longer consider myself so. I consider myself Protestant since I have been attending a number of Protestant churches since leaving home to make my own way in this wonderful world. It is not my church! My church is his church now; period.

I poured him a cup of coffee handing it to him with a big smile just waiting for the next words to come out. I knew exactly what they were going to be but determined to face it with a smile.

“Now, Anne, this business about communion.” Okay, here it comes, just as I expected I said to myself. “I feel uncomfortable taking communion in your church.” Here it is again, my church. “Do I really have to?”

“Honey, we have this decision every time we attend a Catholic church and my answer is always the same. No, you don’t need to participate if you don’t want to, but I am.”

“But you’re Catholic and I’m not.” Here we go again, the exact same words I hear each time.

“Honey, I’m no longer Catholic, but I am a member of the body of Christ as you are. We both have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and it is an honor for me to partake in communion regardless of the church we attend.” I continued to explain about religious rituals and the rules placed on them by religious institutions. Many of the rules are made up by man and not by God. Jesus told us take communion at any time, and that can even be in our home. I further explained one more time about the difference between the catholic church and the Catholic church.

“But if you don’t want to take communion that is fine with me, as long as you know that Jesus is okay with it there shouldn’t be a problem.” I added.

“But I will feel uncomfortable sitting in the pew alone while you take communion. People will get the wrong idea.”

“What idea is that?”

“You know.”

I just smiled and started fixing breakfast. If he hadn’t gotten it by now why do I keep on explaining this to him? I was tempted to tell him we would go to our church, which is actually his church since it is the one he had always attended when he was in Michigan but I have made it mine as well. We would be pushing it to get to the airport on time if we attend our normal church or possibly have to leave the service before it ended if it ran longer than normal. I thought I would just wait it out a little longer to see where this went.

I now had several challenges I needed to resolve before we left the house. I had to get him in a pleasant mood, resolve this whole communion discussion once again and get us on time to one of the churches. It wasn’t going to be easy.

He has no idea how close I have almost gotten to losing it with him, breaking the vow I agree to in my mind. The thought of this started me laughing out loud. Now I had another problem, he thought I was mocking him which only caused me to laugh harder, bringing tears of laughter to my eyes.

He just stood there grumpier than ever and said, “What’s so funny, Anne. You think this is funny?” Silently I said to myself, “Yes this is very funny. Come on get with it, can’t you see the humor in it?” Of course he couldn’t he doesn’t know about my commitment to have unconditional love with him. It is my secret. He has not seen me angry and I never want him to see that side of me. It isn’t very pretty and he thinks I’m beautiful. I am not about to change that image he has of me at any cost. Instead I just gave him a kiss and told him I loved him then finished cooking breakfast letting him make up his mind.

We enjoyed a wonderful breakfast even though none of us spoke and I did up the dishes as he went upstairs to shower.

I always get up before him since I require less sleep and get ready in the guest bath upstairs on Sunday’s so I don’t wake him up letting him sleep in. Today he had to get up sooner since we would be leaving much earlier than normal. I have a running checklist of things to avoid and do to get this man out of the door on Sunday in a cheerful mood, each week often adding an additional item to this growing list.

After I finished cleaning up the kitchen I joined him in the bedroom while he got ready for church. I made small talk about how nice it was going to be seeing my brother again then talked about how exciting this afternoon’s golf game was going to be and that we would have a wonderful lunch out wherever he wanted to go.

All of a sudden he came at me, picked me up and threw me on the bed then jumped on top of me holding me down with this angry face staring at me.

Had I gone too far and drove him over the edge? I was quickly thinking, “What did I say wrong this time?” He had never acted like this before except when he was happy but this time was different.

He leaned down and gave me a big kiss, then rolled to one side and started laughing himself. I silently let out a sigh of relief.

“What does it take woman to get you angry?” I said to myself “Is this a trick question?”

“I thought I had you on that whole communion thing this morning, but you didn’t even get angry.” Then he put one arm around me and kissed me again. “Anne, I love you so much. You brighten up every morning for me. I had been waiting all of my life for someone like you, never thinking it was possible. Everyone I dated fled from me but you have stayed by my side. You have no idea what it is like having parents angry and shouting every morning and throughout the day. I never wanted to experience that in a marriage myself, that’s why I chose you. You have never criticized me, only loved me. I thought it would have changed once we got married, but it hasn’t. You haven’t even tried to change me like all of the other women have. You have just accepted me with all of my flaws. You have no idea what that means to me. I love you Anne. We better get going or we will be really late for church if we stay in this bed one more minute.”

It’s words like that which keep me grounded in my decision to love this man unconditionally no matter what happens. I know he is a good man and will never physically hurt me. People will hurt you emotionally and verbally if you let them. I have accepted him just as he is. Because of the way I love him, he has never tried to change me. He has rules that I have learned to accept but they are minor in the grand scope of life, and if it makes him happy I can go along with them. They are really no big deal.

When you think about all of the fights between men and woman they are just about petty little things. They are normally because we are only thinking about ourselves and not thinking about our mate. Some people get mad because they see their mate being selfish or inconsiderate. They are just being themselves.

I look at it differently. It is my privilege being married to him and if I have to pick up his socks every morning so what? I could be dealing with a much more severe problem than just socks. Because I have chosen to love him unconditionally he is slowly taking on that quality as well. I see him change even though I haven’t done anything differently. Even if he doesn’t change so what, that is the man I married. I realized from being married before that people change after they are married and you just need to adjust. That is what marriage is; compromising. It is a give and take and often times one gives more than they receive, or so it seems.

Since I agree to love BH unconditionally I have also included all people in that decision. I now find myself happy almost all of the time. The anger I used to have is gone and I am a pleasant person to be with. I let go of any resentment I had towards anyone or anything and decided to love everyone no matter what and to forgive everyone that had hurt me or will hurt me in the future. I hold no resentment or unforgiveness.

It has been a difficult process that I work on each day but I can’t believe how happy I now am. I am also at peace for the first time in my life. Peace is incredible. I can’t explain it you have to experience it over a period of time to fully appreciate it. This peace and happiness I experience I don’t want to lose. I still have great sadness that I am working on, but I refuse to be angry or resentful in my sadness. Eventually I will come to terms with even that. I just take one step at a time and each day at a time.

I thank God every day that He hasn’t given up on me. He will continue to be by my side as I continue my journey through this wonderful life that He has so graciously given me.