A number of years ago I started thinking about what Fi’s life was like; the life that we don’t see on camera. Burn Notice is mostly about Michael Westen and we rarely see what Fi or the other team member are doing when they aren’t with Michael. What is Michael and Fi’s life like when they aren’t helping clients or tracking down international conspiracy terrorism groups?
When I first started envisioning her life I had recently experienced one of the worse times in my life and I was still dealing with the aftermath. Daydreaming of Fi took me away from my problems by focusing my thoughts on someone else.
Through the course of thinking about my book on a daily basis, if only just a few minutes a day, my life was changed and lately spending time studying the Bible for several hours a day instead of watching TV, a reoccurring theme keeps presenting itself to me. It has to do with our thoughts. “As a man thinks so is he.” The more I meditate on this idea the more profound I find it to be. It is very powerful. The more I meditate on other scriptures I am also finding awesome power in them as well.
I started writing my story starting from her receiving the phone call in New York. As she started to say goodbye to her friend in New York as she was leaving to join Michael when he got off from the plane in Miami I started to cry. It’s odd how even writing we can be moved to tears and laughter.
Fi has become such an important part of me. She has changed my life. Not only has Fi changed my life so have the other characters on the show and also the actors that play them.
Because in my mind I had to became Fi in order to write her story, Michael, Nate, Madeline, Sam and Jesse as well as the rest of the ensemble have also become part of my story…part of my family.
The more I thought about this the more events over the past years started coming to mind. As I look back now I realize that I am no longer the person I was. Then I recalled a statement I made a while ago, There is a lot of Jeffrey Donovan in Michael Westen and now there is a lot of Michael Westen in Jeffrey Donovan. I assume Jeffrey is not the same man that walked into the audition 7 years ago at least as far as his character affecting his personality.
Because of Fi I started on my journey to change me into the person I always wanted to be. Then with the help of God it came into reality.
About a year or so after I first started thinking about Fi I saw an inspirational program on PBS. The speaker said some words to me that literally changed my life. I had heard these same words when I was just in my early twenties and knew they were profound but never seemed to master them. “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” But this speaker said it differently. I heard him say “Become the person you want to become.” First you have to pretend or imagine, or mentally believe to be the person you want to be and after a while it becomes a habit then you actually become that person naturally. He was talking about becoming successful. If you want to see yourself in a certain career then you have to imagine yourself successful in that career.
I heard Les Brown speak about that same subject too. He wanted to be a radio personality so badly that he took whatever job he could just to work in the industry. At home and in his spare time he rehearsed being on the radio night after night until he lived it. One day he just happened to be delivering something into the broadcast area and the radio personality had either quit or had called in sick and they were at a loss to find a replacement in such short notice. He told him he could do it. They didn’t believe him because of the position he held but they reasoned at least he might be able to hold off the audience until they reached a replacement. Because of his years of practicing he already had his radio personality down pat and was an instant success to the dismay of everyone around him.
When I first tried to “change my thoughts so I could change my world” I found it impossible. I don’t know if you were like me but I would get home from work and be so angry with myself for saying or doing something that I promised myself I wouldn’t do again. Often I just said to myself ‘keep your mouth shut’ then the next day I would repeat the past mistake again even though I knew better.
I tried forcing myself to be happy and it never lasted more than a few hours. It seemed like no matter what I wanted to change I found it impossible.
I now realize it was because I didn’t change my thoughts. I had the same goals but I didn’t actually change my thoughts. My goal was to be happy but I still allowed those thoughts that made me unhappy to affect me. Once I became determined to be happy I started chasing all unhappy thoughts away and it worked. I wouldn’t allow those thoughts to take root, just happy ones.
Also recently I found out that some of these we can’t change ourselves. We have to allow God to change us. “Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4.
God created us and he knows what will make us happy, content, and fulfilled. When we turn ourselves over to him and let him guide us, he changes our heart and puts His desires in them. They are customized just for us.
It took me getting to such a low spot in my life…rock bottom I think they call it even though I wasn’t on alcohol or drugs… rock bottom on actually tired of trying to go it alone and always coming short of my intended goals and dreams.
I look back on the past seven years on this journey of self-improving and I realize I have finally made it. I’m not completely there but I am so close. I wanted to be happy – really happy. I wanted to be content and I wanted to be at peace. Today I have all three. When you don’t have these you are carrying such a heavy load on your backs that you don’t need to.
I thank God every day for changing me into the person I always wanted to become. What’s the saying “Let go and let God.” I was so afraid of letting go. I now realize what a fool I was to try to think I could do it alone. I needed a supreme being to do it for me. This is God’s world and not ours. When we try to live it in our understanding we can never be happy, content, truly successful and at peace.
My life isn’t perfect. I still have everyday problems to deal with but I no longer worry about them. I let God lead the way knowing that He has equipped me to handle anything that comes my way. I now listen to His voice where before my heart was hardened refusing to listen to what He had to say.
The things that used to upset me no longer do. God is sharing with me His wisdom so I know where my thinking was wrong and can now easily change it.
I go to bed at night in peace. Sure there are nights I can’t get to sleep but mostly it’s because I am so excited for the next day. Or God gives me ideas or is teaching me something and my meditation keeps me awake. But it is no longer in frustration that I can’t get to sleep. I am content. You have no idea how awesome that is since before I was rarely content.
I know many of you will ignore this posting or read it and go your merry way, but I hope that you take some time to ponder it. You never know your life in the next few years might be exactly what you’ve always wanted it to be too.
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