The Cab Ride I’ll Never Forget ~ By Kent Nerburn

“We may not all live holy lives, but we live in a
world alive with holy moments.” ~ Kent Nerburn

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.

It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss.

What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.

Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, and made me laugh and weep.

But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partyers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.

Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.

But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knick-knacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers”.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

The Power of ‘I Love You’

This morning brought a flood of thoughts when I came across this quote ‘Being a family means you are a part of something very wonderful. It means you will love and be loved for the rest of your life. No matter what.’

Too many people have families that cause them anger, bitterness, resentment and so many other feelings.

In the end it is our family who will be there for us, either out of love or just because we are family and they feel obligated.

Today so many of us get upset with our family members some to the point of hating them and it is all because they don’t fit into the mold we have imagined in our mind. And why should they? Who says the way we live is perfect? Most likely we aren’t living up to their expectations either.

There are several times during our life when families are very important. Siblings when you go through school to pave the way or be there to stick up for you in times of trouble, moms or sisters when you are expecting your first child, then later in life when you find yourself alone after your parents or spouse is no longer in your life and your kids are busy with their families.

I am from a large family. I get along great with all of them but one. Fighting was not tolerated in our house and my parents stressed how important our family was so we all tried to get along. But this one brother for some reason hated me since as long as I can remember and I have no idea why. I never discussed it with him but having so many other siblings it was easy for me just to ignore him growing up. His hatred of me also spilled over to some of my brothers that are around his age, not that they hated me but they just were indifferent and ignored me. He was the reason that ‘Twin’ and I were no longer as close as we once were.

This troubled me off and on growing up and into adulthood. I tried being friendly to him during family gathering but he generally would just walk away. “Heck with him.’ I would tell myself but still it bothered me.

One day while I was cleaning a thought came to me. ‘Call your brother Chris and tell him you love him.’ I hadn’t thought about him for quite some time so this seemed odd to me. Immediately I told myself “I’m not going to call him and tell him that. Why should I?”

The same thought came to mind throughout the day and each time I came up with an excuse not to do it. Then I started thinking about it. I had to admit to myself that I did love him no matter how mean he had always been.

That night another thought came to my mind. What if something is about to happen to him and I might feel bad if he was suddenly no longer around and I never told him what the voice inside me was telling me to do.

Reluctantly I called him the next afternoon. “Hi Chris, it’s Anne.” “Hi.” He said back. Chris was famous for one word answers to me. “I just thought I would call to see how you are doing.” “Fine.” He said. Then I asked him how his wife was, his kids and grandkids. “Fine.” “How’s the job?” “Fine.” “How’s Mom?” “Fine.” And it went on and on like this.

I started telling him about what was new in my life and I could hear deep sighs and little groans. It was his way of telling me he couldn’t care less about my life and that he wanted to just hang up on me. But we were raised with decent manners so he didn’t.

Finally I was completely exhausted trying to maintain a smile since the feelings we have inside can be detected in our voice. “Well, Chris I should let you go but before I do I want you to know that I love you. In fact that is the reason I called just to tell you I love you.” I could feel tears flood my eyes when I said those words and I had a hard time continuing but I did after a slight pause. “Chris, I am so proud to be your sister.” Then I said the final goodbyes and hung up without him even returning a single word.

The next time I went home we ran into each other and he tried to leave as quickly as he could to avoid me. Before he left I went over to him, wrapped my arms around him and gave him a kiss on his cheek then told him I was glad we saw each other on this visit and I told him I loved him again.

He was still the same but I saw him differently. I genuinely loved him and it didn’t matter if he loved me back. I just wanted him to know that I loved him and I was proud of his achievements and his wonderful family.

I tried to call him several times a year and he started to warm slightly just before my divorce from my first husband.

Two weeks after my first husband left me I finally called my oldest brother to tell him what happened. I didn’t want to but I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret forever. I explained the situation which was very hard. I was embarrassed at the failed marriage and I knew no one in my family particularly liked my first husband. They only saw him a couple of times and were cordial because he was now family but that was about it.

My oldest brother said that he would come down. I tried to explain that I was okay and told him that my first husband’s best friend was making sure I was alright through all of this. Well, that wasn’t the wisest decision either. Several of my brothers hopped on a plane as soon as they could and were at my doorstep. To my surprise Chris was one of them.

I thought for sure Chris had come just to rub it in my face how much of a looser I was to have married my first husband and what did I do wrong to chase him away, but he didn’t. Instead he gave me a huge hug and said. “Sis, I’m so sorry, I know how much you loved him. But we are here for you. We will help you through this.” I had never heard his voice like that except to others. There was sincere compassion for me. Later during the stay he came over to me and told me how much he loved me and how proud of me he was. I was still in shock from his first conversation.

I learned from their visit how important family is. They came down to be with me when that was the last thing I expected. There was no judging, no criticizing, they were just there for me.

Today Chris and I continue to talk getting closer with each conversation and at times it seems like we have always been close.

There is power in the words “I love you.” These words can change your child's life and even turn it around, it can change the feelings your spouse has for you and all of those around you. It doesn't mean you approve of their behavior it just means you love them.

I still don’t know why Chris hated me all those years and it really doesn’t matter. I never bring it up and really don’t care to know. I am so thankful that I listened and made that phone call. We may never be as close as we might have been but it’s a start.

My Fi

Yesterday I reminisced about my Fi. I call her my Fi since she is very little like the Fi we’ve seen in Burn Notice. Sure she can do the things that Fi does but the reason behind it is different. Fi’s background is different than on TV as well. Even though she dresses similar to Fi her lifestyle is much different.

A number of years ago I awoke from a dream about Fi and started wondering what her life really was like in Ireland. What was her childhood like? What was she like as a teenager? What was it like for her to be an IRA trained gorilla. No matter how I tried to envision her it came out different than what we know about her. I just let my thoughts go without any manipulation to have her fit Matt Nix’s idea of the character. I was so surprised to find out what Fi was really like.

Each day that I thought about her it was almost as if God was telling me her story since I was often surprised about her life just like Michael was.

Even my version of Michael and Fi’s relationship is completely different than Matt Nix’s. For example, Fi was never the trigger happy ex-girlfriend. She was always the girlfriend but not in a traditional way. They have a very complicated relationship, one in which they love each other deeply but neither one of them actually knows the other since they never have taken the time to talk about their past. The only things they know about each other are the rumors and the experiences they have shared. During much of their relationship overseas they were separated spending very little time together, but through it all they knew they were destined to be together.

In my version Fi has never been in Northern Ireland even though there are reports that she set off car bombs there. In fact she never set off a car bomb until one day about six years after they met when they were pinned down under fire in the Czech Republic and they needed it as a distraction to make their escape. Fi had no idea how to blow up the car and had only read about C4 but had never used it. Michael presumed she carried it with her so she was forced to quickly improvise a way to blow it up based on her knowledge of how cars operated so that he wouldn't be disappointed with her since Michael was her hero. It turned out all right and Michael never suspected that she had no clue what she was doing never realizing the potential danger they were in. After that she had to figure out how to obtain C4 (after all you just can't go to your local supermarket for it), use it and make sure she always carried with her. She also decided while she was at it she better obtain a hand gun or maybe even a machine gun. If she could find C4 she was sure she could find illegal firearms. That’s my Fi.

My Fi never ran guns for a profit until she landed in Miami where the opportunity fell into her lap. Her gun running activities overseas where coerced and never voluntary.

Also my Fi is a real hero as well as Michael. They are larger than life which always makes for a wonderful read.

Fi is very funny in my eyes whereas the Fi we see on TV never laughs unless she is making fun of someone. My Fi is smart, very smart and cleaver picking up on things quickly, that’s how she has been able to survive.

She is also fearless. Not that she has never experienced fear, she just doesn't let fear get in the way of what she has or wants to do. As a child she never experienced fear so she was a daredevil attempting things with boldness that no other child would.

She has a huge curiosity about science especially chemistry and technology. She loves to read, loves to learn languages and loves an adventure. She has a knack of running into people that have shared their knowledge which became useful later on in life. All of these events led her and her brother Sean to experience more than any normal child. As it turned out these became vital later for her to survival under the control of the IRA.

Throughout her life people have always misjudged her and gave her far more credit than she deserved. She developed a reputation based on false rumors spread by others and not on actual events that she participated. Later on, to live up to Michael's expectations of her, she had to improvise on the spot to help Michael as an asset based on false information that Michael was told about her.

She is a dynamic woman because she is a survivor. She will do what she has to just to survive or to please Michael as long as it isn’t at the cost of others. She handles each situation that I put her through and manages to get through each one and never looks back at what could have been. She just moves on to the next day. Her life is not all as she dreamed it to be but she makes the best out of each day knowing that she was placed on this earth to help others have a better life and as a result her life is enriched.

I love her since even during the darkest days of her life she never felt sorry for herself even when she had almost lost all hope she had the sense to turn the situation over to God and let Him take control ultimately saving her life.

She’s beautiful, gracious, kind, considerate and doesn’t even know it. She thinks of herself as the everyman; she isn't better than anyone else. She just has used what life threw at her turning it around to her advantage.

The stuff I have put Fi through no one could have ever survived but she did. You name it she’s experienced it. Through my imagination of her I’ve laughed hysterically, cried almost uncontrollably, I felt almost the panic she has and the relief of getting through it. I’ve felt the frustration of her knowing that she and Michael were destined to marry but it never seemed it would happen because of one event after another. I experienced the happiness and dread the day Michael finally proposed and the sadness when he let her go so that she could finally have the life she was meant to lead.

Michael and Fi met in a pub in Dublin, Ireland but not at all like we saw on TV this past season. Their meeting was a dream come true for Fi much like a fairy tale. By dream come true I literally mean a dream that came true because of a vision from God placed in her heart that she refused to give up on.

My version of Fi involves her life growing up in Ireland; the time she spent in New York as a small child, and later as an adult; her time living in France, Spain, Italy, Sweden and Germany; her time overseas with Michael and her time in Miami. My story of Fi doesn’t involve specific clients it is a story of the personal lives of Michael and Fi. Of course Sam Axe is an important part of the story as well as all the other characters but on a personal level. The characters and actors in a few other shows have managed to work their way into her life too.

My book contains romance, drama, comedy, tragedy and suspense.

Someday I would love to have it all written down and published for other’s to read. Of course, I will have to change the names of the characters which might take away from the story but maybe it’s just because I am so close to Burn Notice.

Yesterday I recalled an event that I would like to share so you might get a glimpse of my Fi. Do you remember the episode where Fi asked what ever happened to Michael McBride? Well here is my version of it.

When Fi met Michael he introduced himself to her as Michael McBride and the next four years that’s what she thought was his name. However, during those four years they were separated. She desperately wanted him to return back into her life and thought about him constantly. She had no idea he was under a cover id, in other words she had fallen in love with Michael McBride, a technology rep.

After settling in Florida, Michael would put on his Irish accent to amuse Fi. She loved it when he did that for her. But there came a time when the burn notice investigation was draining on all of them and it has been a long time since Michael did his Michael McBride impersonation. As a result of being frustrated that it had been going on for so long interrupting her plans for marriage and having kids she was starting to get a little testy. Not bad but it was noticeable to Michael and causing friction between them which was distracting Michael from his work.

Michael had a job he wanted her to do for him so she stopped by the loft to find out more information. She had been thinking a lot about Michael McBride for the last few days. Michael was sitting on the bed fatigued, trying to come up with an alternative plan when Fi sat down next to him and softly said placing her hand on his. “I’ve been thinking a lot about Michael McBride lately and I miss him terribly.” She looked at Michael who had his head down staring at the floor. “When do you think he will come back?” She added.

Michael slowly raised his eyes and looked at her. She looked as tired as he felt. “I’m not sure.” He started to say. “He’s off looking for that sweet little Irish girl he met years ago in Ireland. I’m sure he will show up as soon as she returns to Miami.”

Fi fought back the tears she knew would appear any minute then got up to leave. She thought for a moment bent down and gently kissed Michael on the cheek. “Michael, I have a feeling she will be returning very soon.” She placed her hand tenderly on his shoulders before leaving to complete her assignment. Fi knew she has better get her mind cleared of the garbage that was preventing her from thinking straight and get her mind focused back on task. She knew when the time was right she and Michael would marry, but for the time being she needed to put those thoughts behind her and just love him. If she didn’t, she could be jeopardizing his life.

You see Michael had also fallen in love with a cover id. When he first fell in love with Fi he thought she was this sweet young Irish peasant girl working in a pub in Dublin, only to find out she was the daughter of the owner of the pub. The next four days he too imagined that sweet, kind Irish girl that one day he would marry and settle down with in Dublin. He had no idea at the time that she really was Ireland’s infamous “Lady of the Night” that he had been sent by the C.I.A. to eliminate.

The Rooster and the Hen

The Rooster and the Hen
By Adeline J. Haws

Said the Little Red Rooster,
“Believe me, things are tough!
Seems the worms are getting scarcer
And I just cannot find enough.
What’s become of all those fat ones?
It’s a mystery to me.
There were thousands of them through that rainy spell,
But now, where can they be?
But the Old Black Hen who heard him
Didn’t grumble or complain,
Because she had lived through lots of dry spells;
She had lived through floods of rain.
She picked a new and undug spot.
The ground was hard and firm.
“I must go to the worms,” she said
“Because the worms won’t come to me.”
The Rooster vainly spent his day
Through habit, by the ways
Where fat round worms had passed in squads
Back in the rainy days.
When nightfall found him supperless,
He growled in accents rough,
“I’m hungry as a fowl can be,
Conditions sure are tough.”
But the Old Black Hen hopped to her perch
And dropped her eyes to sleep
And murmured in a drowsy tone,
“Young man, hear this and weep.
I’m full of worms and happy
For I’ve eaten like a pig.
The worms were there as always,
But, boy, I had to dig!”

How Fi Changed My Life

This morning I was working on my Burn Notice photos from the Pilot revisiting this scene when my thoughts drifted to my book on Fi. I had this overwhelming desire to start actually putting this scene to paper, actually in a Word document, and started recalling my version.

A number of years ago I started thinking about what Fi’s life was like; the life that we don’t see on camera. Burn Notice is mostly about Michael Westen and we rarely see what Fi or the other team member are doing when they aren’t with Michael. What is Michael and Fi’s life like when they aren’t helping clients or tracking down international conspiracy terrorism groups?

When I first started envisioning her life I had recently experienced one of the worse times in my life and I was still dealing with the aftermath. Daydreaming of Fi took me away from my problems by focusing my thoughts on someone else.

Through the course of thinking about my book on a daily basis, if only just a few minutes a day, my life was changed and lately spending time studying the Bible for several hours a day instead of watching TV, a reoccurring theme keeps presenting itself to me. It has to do with our thoughts. “As a man thinks so is he.” The more I meditate on this idea the more profound I find it to be. It is very powerful. The more I meditate on other scriptures I am also finding awesome power in them as well.

I started writing my story starting from her receiving the phone call in New York. As she started to say goodbye to her friend in New York as she was leaving to join Michael when he got off from the plane in Miami I started to cry. It’s odd how even writing we can be moved to tears and laughter.

Fi has become such an important part of me. She has changed my life. Not only has Fi changed my life so have the other characters on the show and also the actors that play them.

Because in my mind I had to became Fi in order to write her story, Michael, Nate, Madeline, Sam and Jesse as well as the rest of the ensemble have also become part of my story…part of my family.

The more I thought about this the more events over the past years started coming to mind. As I look back now I realize that I am no longer the person I was. Then I recalled a statement I made a while ago, There is a lot of Jeffrey Donovan in Michael Westen and now there is a lot of Michael Westen in Jeffrey Donovan. I assume Jeffrey is not the same man that walked into the audition 7 years ago at least as far as his character affecting his personality.

Because of Fi I started on my journey to change me into the person I always wanted to be. Then with the help of God it came into reality.

About a year or so after I first started thinking about Fi I saw an inspirational program on PBS. The speaker said some words to me that literally changed my life. I had heard these same words when I was just in my early twenties and knew they were profound but never seemed to master them. “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” But this speaker said it differently. I heard him say “Become the person you want to become.” First you have to pretend or imagine, or mentally believe to be the person you want to be and after a while it becomes a habit then you actually become that person naturally. He was talking about becoming successful. If you want to see yourself in a certain career then you have to imagine yourself successful in that career.

I heard Les Brown speak about that same subject too. He wanted to be a radio personality so badly that he took whatever job he could just to work in the industry. At home and in his spare time he rehearsed being on the radio night after night until he lived it. One day he just happened to be delivering something into the broadcast area and the radio personality had either quit or had called in sick and they were at a loss to find a replacement in such short notice. He told him he could do it. They didn’t believe him because of the position he held but they reasoned at least he might be able to hold off the audience until they reached a replacement. Because of his years of practicing he already had his radio personality down pat and was an instant success to the dismay of everyone around him.

When I first tried to “change my thoughts so I could change my world” I found it impossible. I don’t know if you were like me but I would get home from work and be so angry with myself for saying or doing something that I promised myself I wouldn’t do again. Often I just said to myself ‘keep your mouth shut’ then the next day I would repeat the past mistake again even though I knew better.

I tried forcing myself to be happy and it never lasted more than a few hours. It seemed like no matter what I wanted to change I found it impossible.

I now realize it was because I didn’t change my thoughts. I had the same goals but I didn’t actually change my thoughts. My goal was to be happy but I still allowed those thoughts that made me unhappy to affect me. Once I became determined to be happy I started chasing all unhappy thoughts away and it worked. I wouldn’t allow those thoughts to take root, just happy ones.

Also recently I found out that some of these we can’t change ourselves. We have to allow God to change us. “Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4.

God created us and he knows what will make us happy, content, and fulfilled. When we turn ourselves over to him and let him guide us, he changes our heart and puts His desires in them. They are customized just for us.

It took me getting to such a low spot in my life…rock bottom I think they call it even though I wasn’t on alcohol or drugs… rock bottom on actually tired of trying to go it alone and always coming short of my intended goals and dreams.

I look back on the past seven years on this journey of self-improving and I realize I have finally made it. I’m not completely there but I am so close. I wanted to be happy – really happy. I wanted to be content and I wanted to be at peace. Today I have all three. When you don’t have these you are carrying such a heavy load on your backs that you don’t need to.

I thank God every day for changing me into the person I always wanted to become. What’s the saying “Let go and let God.” I was so afraid of letting go. I now realize what a fool I was to try to think I could do it alone. I needed a supreme being to do it for me. This is God’s world and not ours. When we try to live it in our understanding we can never be happy, content, truly successful and at peace.

My life isn’t perfect. I still have everyday problems to deal with but I no longer worry about them. I let God lead the way knowing that He has equipped me to handle anything that comes my way. I now listen to His voice where before my heart was hardened refusing to listen to what He had to say.

The things that used to upset me no longer do. God is sharing with me His wisdom so I know where my thinking was wrong and can now easily change it.

I go to bed at night in peace. Sure there are nights I can’t get to sleep but mostly it’s because I am so excited for the next day. Or God gives me ideas or is teaching me something and my meditation keeps me awake. But it is no longer in frustration that I can’t get to sleep. I am content. You have no idea how awesome that is since before I was rarely content.

I know many of you will ignore this posting or read it and go your merry way, but I hope that you take some time to ponder it. You never know your life in the next few years might be exactly what you’ve always wanted it to be too.

Becoming Useable

I have tried to write in this blog for some time sharing the many ideas that God places in my heart. When I think about them the thoughts that come are awesome. After going through it in my mind I decide to put them on paper (actually a Word document), but the words never come out as good as in my head. I now realize that those ideas are God’s way of teaching me and not necessarily ready for sharing. He is fulfilling a request that I made to Him to become useable. For God to use us we must be usable. So God in his marvelous way is making me more useable each and every day. Thank you God for always being by my side and guiding me as I make this journey through life until I’m finally with you in heaven.